Dear C&C

Dear Charles & Camilla,

Congratulations on your recent nuptials. Charles, you looked quite natty in your wedding suit. Camilla, I thought your dress was chic, but really dear, who on earth advised you to wear that dreadful hat with all the plumage? Probably a Diana sympathizer who just wants to make you look bad, that's what I think. My goodness, you looked just like a deranged cockateil! Well, whoever it was, you just tell them to shove it next time they try to give you fashion advice. I think you do just fine on your own with the wonderful polyblend suits you fancy so much. Just stick with those, dear, and you can't go wrong!

So sorry the Pope died and spoiled the original date of your wedding. All the ducky souviners had to be pulled from the shelves and redated, how dreadful! And then the death of Prince Rainier, could you believe it? Well dearies, I could just imagine your panic, wondering if you were going to have to postpone your honeymoon to attend yet another funeral - YAWN. Hats off to Prince Andrew for taking your place! He certainly came through in a pinch.

I hope you both have a wonderful honeymoon in Scotland. Camilla, I hear the blokes are actually NAKED under their kilts. Fun for you! And remember, the people of Scotland actually like you, not like those stuck-up Diana-lovers back in England. You know, I used to like Diana myself but she really was just a big baby wasn't she? "Boo hoo, Charles won't boink me anymore, he's too busy shagging Camilla." What a whiner! I guess Charles made sure he wouldn't be hearing from HER anymore, didn't he? (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).

Well, I'll sign off now so I can get this in the post. Here's hoping you have a splendid honeymoon and a long life together and remember, even if you're not a good-looking couple, you're still royalty, and that counts for something.