The writing demons have been exorcised. Thanks for reading.
Whew! The Winter Olympics are finally over and not a minute too soon! I’ve been spending the last 2 weeks trying out my latest weight-loss theory: That a person actually expends a significant number of calories simply by watching certain Olympic events. So, after spending much time watching numerous Olympic sports, and performing before and after weigh-ins, I have devised a list of the Winter Olympic sports in the order of caloric burn, going from Most Calories Burned by Watching to Least Calories Burned by Watching:
It's this kind of stuff that makes my day.
Am I the only person who thinks that people killing each other over cartoons is pretty funny? Every time I hear the words "Cartoon Violence" I just get this picture in my head of Bugs Bunny & Elmer Fudd fighting.
And now, to retaliate, some shops are refusing to sell Danish products. What the hell do the Danish produce anyway besides Cheese Danish?
Note: Taking my cue from James Frey, parts of the following story are true, parts are fictional. You decide.
I struggle up through the layers of my hazy, alcohol-soaked brain and open my eyes to the darkness. I slowly evaluate my surroundings – Bedroom. Dark. Dizzy. I am. Still drunk.
I don’t so much fall back asleep as pass out.
Morning. Head hurts.
My recollection of the previous night is spotty, but the wine…I do remember the wine. Merlot. Can’t believe I was actually drinking f***ing Merlot! Damn, no wonder I feel so bad. Wait, there was a white wine in there somewhere. God, I HAVE to quit mixing my drinks.
And for some reason there is a knot on the back of my head and a bruise on my arm. What the…?
Back to sleep.
Phone ringing, ringing, ringing.
“Wow, are you OK?” asks my boyfriend Ken.
“You really kicked ass last night!”
“You don’t remember?”
“Uh, I guess not.”
“A bunch of Ninjas crashed the party and you totally took them on and kicked all their assess! It was totally Crouching Tiger !”
A vague memory of hanging in midair while in a perfect martial arts-style pose flickers in my memory. Cool. I always wanted to do that.
I hope I hadn’t hurt anyone TOO badly.
Suddenly, a dreadful, coherent thought pierced my brain: Last night I was wearing a BRAND NEW JACKET.
To hell with the condition of the Ninjas, what about my new jacket??? Dammit!
“Honey, where’s my new jacket?”
“The one I was wearing last night. You know, my new short denim jacket. It was brand new! And I looked hot in it!”
“Oh yeah, you got some wine on it. But golly, babe, you really rocked the house! Everyone’s still talking about it!”
I slammed the phone down and leaped, I mean crawled, out of bed. I began pawing through the layers of debris littering my bedroom floor - books, empty wine bottles, crack vials, martial arts supplies – until I located my clothes from the previous night. And there it was – my new jacket, still intact (miraculously, considering all the kick-ass Ninja activity I was apparently involved in), but with a large purple wine stain marring the left sleeve. Shit! Ruined by Merlot again.
I crawled back into bed.
I vow to never drink again.
For the ten millionth time.
This post is dedicated to Ninjas
You may have noticed that my weight plays a major role in my life. I'm always thinking about how exactly I ended up gaining this much weight and how to lose it - kind of like the people in the ad who walk around with their scale chained to their leg - I'm always thinking about it. I exercise and lose, and then I eat and gain it all back. Yo-yo dieting has been my life. The so-called experts want to scare you into belieiving that if you yo-yo diet for many years - as I have - that you'll eventually end up permanently fat and unable to lose weight. Which, of course, is bullshit - as any dedicated yo-yo dieter will tell you who has gained and lost the same 20 or 50 pounds over and over again. They also say that fat people have to figure out why they think they don't deserve to be thin. Come on, who doesn't think they deserve to be thinner? I would think that if anybody thought they deserved to be thinner, it would be us fat folks.