Tell us another Bible story Mommy

OK, so I don't know much about the Bible. I think that's because I was never tested on the material. For instance, I couldn't tell you who Bathsheba, was but I think she's got a really fabulous name. Very sophisticated. I can imagine her on the phone, ringing up one of her cosmopolitan friends - "Hello dah-ling, Bathsheba here. What's say we get together for some drinks later? Mah-velous! Chau darling; kisses to Methusulah.."

And what about Sodom & Gomorrah? I'm pretty sure they're cities, right? And they must have been real close to each other cause they're always referred to as Sodom AND Gomorrah, like Minneapolis/St. Paul. I also think they were like the Old Testament version of Sin City, so maybe they had the motto, "Whatever happens in Sodom & Gomorrah stays in Sodom & Gomorrah." Another factoid is that this is where the words sodomy and gonorrhea came from. So it was a pretty wild place.

A few years ago I thought it would be fun to read the Left Behind book series. It's a modern-day version of the book of Revelation, or in the words of the Religious Right, THE END TIMES. Ooooh, scary. That way, I could learn a little bit about the New Testament. Cool! Also, who can resist a good, juicy story about plagues and bloody rain and other horrible things like that? I think there are at least 100 of these books cause they've been coming out for about 10 years now and they're STILL not done with the damn story. I stuck it out through the first 5 of these incredibly bad, poorly written books and what I really got out of them was this:

Unless you're a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, you'd be better off just killing yourself now. YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT TO HEAVEN.

Think about it folks , if Terri Schiavo is a Catholic she's gonna go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks NO MATTER WHEN SHE DIES. If Terri is a Jew, same thing. Muslim - same thing. Buddhist: no fuckin' way Jose. Even if her mom can manage to sneak ice cream into her hospital room for the next 20 years to keep her alive, she's still going to burn in the fiery pits of hell. I think that if there is a hell, being brain-dead would probably be a good thing. Lucky Terri.

Anyway like I said, I stopped reading after the 5th book, mainly because the writing is sooooo bad, but also because the author is such an obvious bigot. I overhead a conversation the other day where one woman was going on and on about how much she JUST LOVED the Left Behind Series and how they were her FAVORITE BOOKS OF ALL TIME. The scary part is that about a billion people agree with her, which goes to show you just how bad most people's judgment is and just how few books most people read in their lifetime.

As for me, I think I'll crack open my New Testament tonight and see if I can figure out this Easter story...