letter to oprah

Dear Oprah,

I just want to start out by saying I love you! I've been watching your show for years, and as someone with a weight problem myself I just have to say You Go Girlfriend!!! But isn't it depressing that no matter how much weight we lose, we're bound to gain it all back? I'll bet you're not looking forward to being fat again, especially when you have to be on TV every single day! People can be SO mean. There are a couple of 7th graders who live on my block that make fun of me, and I'm telling you Oprah sometimes it's all I can do to keep my dignity and just ignore them. Some days when they're yelling "Hey fatty" or "Watch out, it's 2-Ton Tillie", a black feeling of hatred just washes over me and I get this urge to march up to them and strangle the life out of their little, scrawny, half-developed bodies! But then I just ask myself "what would Oprah do?" and it makes me feel all calm again. I know YOU wouldn't let a couple of stupid 13 year old boys screw with YOUR head. Even stupid 13 year old boys who wear god-awful pants that show most of their underpants and look sooo stupid you just want to shove red-hot sticks into their eyeballs. You, Oprah, would keep your cool because that's the kind of person you are.

Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate you on your truly inspired "Wildest Dreams" season. Maybe you don't remember, but I sent you five letters asking you to grant MY wildest dream of having stomach stapling surgery, which you ignored. I guess it was more important to grant the wildest dreams of people who wanted to meet Usher and Mariah Carey than to address MY urgent pleas to be released from my prison of fat. It's OK, really, I'm over it.

Anyway, good luck next season, Oprah, and I hope you have a really nice summer!

Your pal,

K