Friday, March 25, 2005

Tell us another Bible story Mommy

OK, so I don't know much about the Bible. I think that's because I was never tested on the material. For instance, I couldn't tell you who Bathsheba, was but I think she's got a really fabulous name. Very sophisticated. I can imagine her on the phone, ringing up one of her cosmopolitan friends - "Hello dah-ling, Bathsheba here. What's say we get together for some drinks later? Mah-velous! Chau darling; kisses to Methusulah.."

And what about Sodom & Gomorrah? I'm pretty sure they're cities, right? And they must have been real close to each other cause they're always referred to as Sodom AND Gomorrah, like Minneapolis/St. Paul. I also think they were like the Old Testament version of Sin City, so maybe they had the motto, "Whatever happens in Sodom & Gomorrah stays in Sodom & Gomorrah." Another factoid is that this is where the words sodomy and gonorrhea came from. So it was a pretty wild place.

A few years ago I thought it would be fun to read the Left Behind book series. It's a modern-day version of the book of Revelation, or in the words of the Religious Right, THE END TIMES. Ooooh, scary. That way, I could learn a little bit about the New Testament. Cool! Also, who can resist a good, juicy story about plagues and bloody rain and other horrible things like that? I think there are at least 100 of these books cause they've been coming out for about 10 years now and they're STILL not done with the damn story. I stuck it out through the first 5 of these incredibly bad, poorly written books and what I really got out of them was this:

Unless you're a BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, you'd be better off just killing yourself now. YOU WILL NEVER MAKE IT TO HEAVEN.

Think about it folks , if Terri Schiavo is a Catholic she's gonna go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks NO MATTER WHEN SHE DIES. If Terri is a Jew, same thing. Muslim - same thing. Buddhist: no fuckin' way Jose. Even if her mom can manage to sneak ice cream into her hospital room for the next 20 years to keep her alive, she's still going to burn in the fiery pits of hell. I think that if there is a hell, being brain-dead would probably be a good thing. Lucky Terri.

Anyway like I said, I stopped reading after the 5th book, mainly because the writing is sooooo bad, but also because the author is such an obvious bigot. I overhead a conversation the other day where one woman was going on and on about how much she JUST LOVED the Left Behind Series and how they were her FAVORITE BOOKS OF ALL TIME. The scary part is that about a billion people agree with her, which goes to show you just how bad most people's judgment is and just how few books most people read in their lifetime.

As for me, I think I'll crack open my New Testament tonight and see if I can figure out this Easter story...

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Just a Secular Second

As you read this, the Christian world is busy preparing to celebrate Christ's crucifixion and resurrection. Today is Maundy Thursday and I don't know what that means but I think it's kind of like Chrismas Eve, only it's Good Friday Eve. Anyway, I can't say Maundy Thursday, or even think the words Maundy Thursday without humming the Mama & the Papas song, "Monday, Monday", or as I like to call it, "Maundy, Maundy."

Then there's Good Friday, but I don't know what was so good about it except Jesus and all his homies had dinner together. Then Jesus gets all Psychic Hotline & stuff, saying one of them was gonna royally 'dis him to the Roman cops, and the disciples are all like "no way dude", so then Jesus has to explain to them exactly how it was gonna go down. And then it supposedly happened exactly that way.

OK, then there's Saturday and I'm pretty sure it's called Holy Saturday and I guess that's the day Jesus was crucified. Then the next day's Easter and that's really important cuz that's when Jesus goes up to heaven - Bye-bye suckers.

Anyway, I've probably got some of this wrong but what do you expect?

So as I said before, most Christians are busy thinking about crucifixion and resurrection and which church service to attend and what color shoes will match their new dress - stuff like that. My family is having a big lunch so we're doing a lot of thinking about food. As for me, I'm just trying to decide whether to bake a cake or just take the stuff to make some really kick-ass mimosas.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

politically incorrect


If this is as good as it gets when you're brain dead, y'all have my permission to just freakin' shoot me dead. I'd rather not spend my ENTIRE LIFE with my mouth hanging open like the idiot I am. Posted by Hello

what??

Today our twentysomething male warehouse assistant held up a ZipLock bag (gallon size) full of some kind of cooked meat and said: "Hey Karen, look what I gots for lunch." I'm not exactly sure how I was supposd to respond to that. Perhaps, "Wow dude, that sure is a big bag of cooked animal flesh. You must be terribly proud." Really, is there a correct response to that?

Monday, March 21, 2005

Financeostasis

Homeostasis is the property of an open system, especially living organisms, to regulate its internal environment so as to maintain a stable condition, by means of multiple dynamic equilibrium adjustments controlled by interrelated regulation mechanisms.

Financeostasis - the property of a person's financial system to regulate its various bank accounts so as to maintain a constant debtor condition by means of multiple crises controlled by interrelated karmic mechanisms.

This has come to be known in my household as Karen's First Law of Financial Equilibrium which states: "A set level of indebtedness must exist at all times. Thus, if the organism attempts to decrease debt levels, a crisis (or series of crises) will develop to bring the debt back to its former level.

This can be illustrated with the following Word Problem:
Ms. X's Credit card debt is $2000. Ms.X receives a $2000 IRS refund which she uses to pay the credit card debt. What will occur next?

A. Ms. X will SAVE the money she previously used to pay credit card charges each month and in 1 year has $2000.00 in her savings account.

B. Ms. X is able to donate $150.00 per month to charity.

C. Ms. X experiences a number of household emergencies that magically add up to $2000 and must be charged on a credit card.

If you answered A or B, you are stupid. Those things never happen.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Will somebody PLEASE explain this to me???

Here are some things I don't get.

1. What does steroird use by baseball players have to do with Congress? Why the hell are our elected representatives channeling Barbara Walters and making Mark McGuire cry on camera by asking him personal questions? You'd think that sports figures were personally responsible for affecting our GNP. Oops, I guess they are!

2. Why, oh why, is Molly Hatchet one of the top 5 "Search Movers" on MSN. Are they even still together, and if so, why would they EVER generate enough interest NATIONWIDE to hit in the top 5 search movers?

3. Why does ABC have a new show about the trials and tribulations of a BLIND POLICEMAN? Since when have blind people been eligible to be cops anyway? Isn't that an occupation where being able to see would be kind of, oh let's see, essential to doing the job??? And do we really want a blind policeman driving around in a Crown Victoria WITH A LOADED GUN, pissed off because somebody shot his eyes out? I think this is a really dumb idea.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

toxic produce

Fast food salads, I have discovered, are really pretty good. The problem is that they load them with those new kind of grape tomatoes - looks like a grape but it's red and it's really a tomato - and about 50% of the time they're rotten. So you're really chowing down and all of a sudden you bite down on one of these rotten fuckers and it's like you just bit into the contents of an entire garbage dump. Then what do you do? Do you go ahead and swallow real fast just to get the taste OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? Or do you spit it out? And if you decide to spit it out, you're frantically looking around for a napkin or something and in the meantime this rotten/garbage dump-tasting thing is in your mouth and your're about to puke. You really have to watch out for those things.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

disco fever

Last night Ken & I went to my son Julian's band concert. For some reason it wasn't at the usual venue for our high school band concerts, but was held instead at the local Baptist MegaChurch.

MegaChurch.

Now there's a true postmodern-type word for you, like Mega Latte, or MegaPlex, or MegaDeath. Only in this country have churches been megasized, at the same time corporations are downsizing. "Depressed about losing your job? Don't worry, worship with thousands of others like you this Sunday in a church that takes up several city blocks!."

Feel the warmth.

The parking lots surrounding this structure can and do hold thousands of cars, and it's well-known that on Sunday mornings many policemen are hired to direct all those thousands of fossil fuel-burning cars in and out of the parking lot so total vehicular chaos doesn't erupt and cause a traffic jam the likes of which this town has never seen. That would be called a MegaClusterfuck.

Even though there certainly were a lot of cars at church on a normal Tuesday night, traffic-directing policemen were not necessary, and we got us a dandy parking spot right in the front acre of the parking lot. It was a lot like going to the mall, and once inside, it was a lot like BEING in a mall. "Wow honey, they have a BOOKSTORE." "Ohmygod they have a COFFEESHOP." "Look, there's a daycare center."

No, I decided, it wasn't just like being in a mall. It was more like being in a small town. Unfortunately, time was short and the concert was about to start, so we couldn't spend anymore time sightseeing on Jesus Street.

Entering the "Worship Center" where the concert was being held was like walking into Kemper Arena. It was big. Hell, it was enormous. I think the entire population of a small Aisian country could fit in that room. I could imagine entire Aisian family units bringing in their hibachis, cooking up some noodles and fish, visiting the bookstore, catching a latte on the way to the daycare center, then rolling out their pallets on the floor and bedding down for a good night's sleep - just another day in paradise. I engaged this wonderful fantasy while the bands played their pieces and Ken winced in pain everytime he heard the band go flat (he has perfect pitch. I hate him for that). I was enjoying imagining myself moving into this little utopia, being adopted by a pleasant, smiling Aisian family , and eventually being elected President and Supreme Ruler Of The Land, when I felt Ken nudging me back to reality. "Hey" he said, pointing up at the ceiling. "Isn't that a Disco Ball??"

A DISCO BALL?

I looked up. YES IT CERTAINLY WAS A DISCO BALL!!!
Hanging above the main stage.
What the hell did Baptists need with a disco ball? Especially since they don't even allow DANCING? (I think). Do Baptists regularly incorporate laser light shows in their services? Was I missing something here??? Have Baptists become the New Hip Religion?

"You know" he said, "they have a Saturday night service here..."

Ohmygod. it all became clear to me then. The disco ball is for Saturday Night Fever Services/Laser Light Show Extravaganzas. This would be a real draw for the youngsters. A great way to lure your sullen, slovenly, anarchist teenager to church by draping worship in a cheesy 70s cliche. In-ter-es-ting.

We spent the rest of the concert pondering the many uses a disco ball could serve in church and I felt wistful as we left the building to search for our car so we could return to our dark, dank, sad lives outside of the comforting womb-like atmosphere of MegaUtopia. "Goodbye Disco Ball," I thought. "Goodbye bookstore." "Goodbye Christian Connection Coffeeshop." "Goodbye daycare center." And with a true sadness, I bid goodbye to my adopted Aisian family.

I enjoyed being your Supreme Leader.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

phone call

I've known my best friend Tracy since we were both 19 year old nymphets prancing around in halter tops and short shorts. We've been together for 28 years and can finish each other's sentences.

Example: Part of a conversation we had this past weekend:

T: "Do you ever wonder about any of our old boyfriends?"

Me: "Sure"

T: "Don't you wonder how they -"

Me: "ever made something out of their lives after us?"

T: "Yeah"

Me: " I feel sorry for them, you know, having to live their lives -"

T: "without us? Yeah, I agree. You just gotta feel sorry for em."

Monday, March 14, 2005

spam

New post in my Spam folder in my Yahoo email account alerts me to "Please verify you auto prescription refill of Viagra". This is about as useful as emails directing me to products that will increase the size of my penis.

How about something I can actually use? Like a drug I can slip into my teenage son's food to make him WANT to talk to me. Or bifocal contacts I can actually see out of. Or a cable service that doesn't include sports channels. Or a way I could tell if I'm about to run into my ex-husband at the grocery store/hardware store/video store/wherever.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Adventures in Continuing Education

I have a tendancy to be a hermit which I'm really quite comfortable being. However, there are times when I feel a need to see more of the outside world. Recently, in an effort to get out of the house and "meet people", I enrolled in an adult education class. Typical for me, I chose something obscure and esoteric. This particular class was called Controversy is My Middle F***ing name. I read about it in the Arts section of the newspaper and in the interview, the instructor promised that he would be screening "5 of the most controversial films every made." He went on to state that they were all foreign films and outlined the basic plots of two of the films he was going to show. I cut my film-viewing teeth on Fellini, Warhol and Kubrick back in the 70s so when he described themes of Nazi torture, dismemberment, and basic debauchery, it sealed the deal for me; I happily plunked down my $18.00 and eagerly awaited the first class.

Of course, one wonders about the sort of people who would attend a film class like this. I imagined there would be mostly young college-aged artsy types and thought I'd probably feel right at home. I was a little surprised to find that most of my fellow students were my age, with only a sprinkling of young kids. Our instructor, John, was about 25, tall, thin, and wore a nihilistic uniform of all-black. He announced that he was uncomfortable speaking in front of groups of people (perfect for one who has volunteered to TEACH PEOPLE) then handed out his introduction: a typewritten sheet entitled Manifesto of Basic Principles. I thought, "Oh great, he thinks he's the Unabomber." After spending 5 minutes silently reading this treatise about the meaning of controversy and art to ourselves, he then proceeded to read it out loud to us, word for word. O-kay! He also explained how he's a Surrealist which surprised me. I didn't know a person could be an art genre. "Hi! I'm Karen! I'm a Cubist!"

Our first film was called I Stand Alone. It was a film depicting one man's anger at the entire world and would turn out to be the only "good" film shown during the entire 5 weeks. I sat next to a young man who I will refer to throughout this post as Trenchcoat Guy. During the middle of the movie, Trenchcoat Guy pulled his black leather gloves out of his pocket and put them on very slowly, clasped his hands in front of him, rested them on the desk, and sat just like that through the rest of the film. I just knew Trenchcoat Guy was going to be someone interesting to pay attention to. After the film was over, John told us that he would not be leading us in a discussion of the films because he didn't want to "plant his own ideas in our heads." O-kay!

A few of us decided to go out for coffee afterwards to have our own discussion. I was pretty excited - being included in a group. On the short drive to the coffeeshop, I began to feel excited. Wow, maybe these were people I could actually be friends with! They already seemed to like me - they invited me to be part of their group, right? We were in the same weird film class so we at least had one thing in common, right? This was going to be sooo cool. We all settled in a large booth, put in our orders and started asking the usual questions. Names, occupations, marital status, kids/kids' ages, etc. We talked a bit about the movie and the strange instructor and I told them about Trenchcoat Guy. We had a few laughs about the whole thing, then I asked them how they all knew each other. The one chick who was like the leader of the group said they all went to the same Singles Sunday School class. By the way, did I want to come? "It's really cool and interesting "she said and they all nodded their heads enthusiastically. I expained about me being an aetheist and talked a little bit about my spiritual explorations including my past interest in Catholicism. After hearing that, the one leader chick said "Well thank God you didn't become a CATHOLIC."

Our little meeting broke up soon after that, we said our friendly goodbyes and I left thinking "Thank God I didn't become a BIGOTED PROTESTANT."

The following weeks' movie was kind of boring - In A Glass Cage. Ex-Nazi meets someone from his past that he previously tortured. Tortured become torturer. Blah, blah, blah. TrenchCoat Guy was there, but no gloves this week. Me and the Coffeshop Christians actually got some of the rest of the group engaged in discussion after class and the instructor actually joined in.

Week 3: Man Bites Dog. A funny, black humor kind of movie. The group has dwindled considerably. Coffeeshop Christians are not present, nor do they ever show up again. There are some new people, and I think John is bringing in his own friends. We try to get John to tell us about the rest of the films but he'll only say he's showing Salo as the grand finale. We all already know that Salo's director, Pasolini, was murdered after the release of the film and that it's supposed to be a real horror show. I lean over and ask Trenchcoat Guy him if he's ever seen Salo. "Seen it?" he says, "I own it." "Every year on Bastile Day, I have a party and show it." Sounds like fun times. I actually think Trenchcoat Guy has a crush on John. He's made several breathy comments about John being a Surrealist.

Week 4 is Viva de la Muerte. Before he shows each movie, John always makes a point to read a lengthy review he's gotten off the internet. I know this because I've already perused the PlumeNoir website's Controversial Movie page and read most of these. Viva de la Muerte's review outlines the many horrible things that happens to the young main character and ends with the comment "John Lennon, after viewing this film, declared it to be the best movie he had ever seen." I piped up "Well, that's good enough for me!." Unfortunately, I got zero laughs out of that comment. This week even TrenchCoat Guy is missing but now there are even more of John's personal friends in class.

The Grand Finale - Salo. It was a little early when I got to class The classroom was still locked so a few of us were standing the hall. TrenchCoat Guy was there reading a quote out of a book to another student. It was a quote he brought for John because he "thought it described how John was reluctant to share his feelings about the movies." God, Trenchcoat Guy was SO hero-worshipping John The Surrealist. When John walked up, Trenchcoat scurried over to him and started to show him the quote and John totally cut him off. Interesting.

Everyone was so looking forward to this movie and there was a larger than usual group of John's friends present. Again, John read the exact same movie review I had just read that afternoon. Instead of listening, I read personal ads in The Pitch. The movie started. I really was expecting something controversial this week. You would think that a movie based on the Marquis des Sade's 120 Days of Sodom would be really something. The review promised me that Salo is "one of the handful of genuinely disturbing movies EVER MADE..." "Salo confirms the cruel meaninglessness of everything human." Instead, about halfway through I began to find it funny. One of the characters looked like the Church Chat Lady from SNL and once I made that connection, it was all over for me.

As soon as the movie was over, I picked up my purse and left. I could hear murmers from the group "oh my, glad that's over" along with nervous, twittery laughter. I confessed to one of the people walking out with me that I started laughing to myself about halfway through the film. "You DID? WHY?" I tried to explain about Church Chat lady but I don't think the guy understood the reference. "Oh well, enjoy your weekend" he said to me as he hurried to get away from this obviously disturbed chick.

I was glad to be leaving Trencoat Guy, John the Surrealist and the cast of John's Friends behind. I think I'll take the Essay Writing class next.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

good things

Things I'm excited about (this doesn't happen very often, usually this would be a list of Things I'm Pissed About)

1. My incredible boyfriend Ken just got us tickets to see David Sedaris, even though he's not necessarily one of Sedarasis' biggest fans. I, however, adore his writing and a chance to see him do a reading has been on my top 10 list for awhile.

2. Speaking of gay (you either got that reference or you didn't - I'm not going to explain it), Ken also accompanied me to an art exhibit last Saturday entitled Nazi Persecution of Gays 1933-1945. I'm a fast reader, so I was about 5 minutes ahead of him and at one point I looked back and there was Ken, in the midst of a group of gay men, looking perfectly at ease. Not bad for a farm boy from western KS.

3. My 17-year old son conversed with me last night. Those of you without teenagers won't understand the significance of that comment. Even though you were once a teenager, your perception of how you were is nothing like how you ACTUALLY were.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Reality TV

I've been trying to break my reality TV addiction but it seems that for every show I've managed to stop watching, two more take its place. I won't watch Fear Factor but tune in to Wife Swap religiously. I no longer watch Amazing Race, but just picked up The Contender. Even though it really pisses me off that I watch such mindless drivel, it attracts me just the same. I can't help it, I'm fascinated with the way humans interact with each other when placed in bizarre, contrived situations. I like to wonder which Wife Swap couple will react/behave badly this week. Will it be the fundamentalist mom thrown in with the heavy metal family with tongue piercings? Or will it be the other way around? Lots of times I'm pleasantly surprised, but often wonder how I would react if put in a situation that went totally against my grain. I'm afraid it wouldn't be pretty because I'm opinionated and pretty much think I'm right most of the time. But it makes me more aware of my reactions to other people which is my way of justifying this type of TV viewing. Better living through SuperNanny. OK, I don't have any small children so there's really no good reason to watch that show except I love the way she pronounces the word acceptable (as "asceptible", not "ackceptible") and her use of something called a Naughty Mat. Very British Dominatrix. Plus, she's kind of plump so I admire that they let her even BE on TV, much less have her own show...